There's a lot of people in my family, I have four older brothers and sisters and a younger sister. When I was growing up, I lived in small city, in a really nice neighborhood. I was six, I was in kindergarten. My mother was doing drugs at that time. She was working at a hotel and she got kicked out for selling drugs there. She was very abusive with me. She would beat me when she was high or not. I knew that wasn't right. She was abusive with my dad too. Now, she is abusive with my younger sister. SRS is dealing with that.

My dad divorced her when I was 5 and he wasn't around. I remember that one night, she was sleeping with my uncle and I called my dad. That's when he got a divorce and he found out she was doing all this stuff. Because of my mom and the stuff she put him through, my dad can hardly trust any woman right now.

My mom did drugs and used alcohol when I lived with her. I don't remember seeing drugs at home, or if she passed out, but I remember that she wasn't nice, she was awkward... she was nasty. I didn't want to be near her when she was like that.

One night when I was six, I was at home and I was sleeping. The house got on fire, she blamed it on me, and I was put into the system. It really wasn't my fault. I was confused; I was trying to figure it out why my mom would blame that on me. The next door neighbors took us for the night. The next morning when I woke up there was a car outside waiting for me. My mom said I was going to camp or something; I waved bye and she just turned around and left. She lied... I realized that I was not going back when she never came to see me. That was the last time I saw her.

Even if my mom was abusive and doing drugs, I wanted her to be there for me. I wanted to be with her, because she was the only one I had back then. My dad had left, I had nobody else. I thought she was going to take care of me. But she didn't even come to court dates and all that stuff. So, I realized that she wasn't going to come back... I just forgot about her. That was very painful, but she isn't part of my life anymore. I must have realized she wasn't coming back whenever I tried calling the house, she would hang up or not even answer... I'm sure she was still doing drugs then... I was about 7 or 8 years old when I finally gave up... I said: "Forget about her..." I was disappointed yes, but I just didn't want her in my life. I thought "She gave up on me, I'm gonna give up on her". I just forgot about her.

I have not had any experience with drugs and alcohol; I don't want to do anything with that kind of stuff, because of my mom. She just gets nasty with that stuff and I don't want to end up like her. I don't want to be abusive either. I don't want to be in a point where I don't know what I'm doing.

Something important I learned in this experience is that drugs don't help, they just make things worse. Drugs don't help, alcohol doesn't help... I think that people shouldn't do drugs. Sometimes, alcohol or drugs become a problem because you're depressed and something is going on and you don't know how to deal with it... or something like that. The biggest misconception people that use drugs or alcohol have is that they think that they will fix their lives like that... Alcohol and drugs take their mind out of their problems for 10 minutes, but its drowning them and they don't see it...

Now, my mom does methamphetamine, and she shoots up some stuff too. She is a very heavy drinker. I don't really understand why she uses drugs. I haven't been in contact with her, so I don't know if she is using more drugs, but I think she's always done really heavy drugs and she continues to do that. I don't know if she ever tried to quit, but I don't think she did.

After the divorce, my dad moved to another state and I didn't know anything about him for 10 years... I didn't know where to find him. When he came back, he looked for me and he found me in a boys' home (he had to bring identification and all). He's now in my life again. This was when I was 12 years old... It felt good! I mean I knew he was going to be there to stay.

Now, I contact my dad very often. I'm not living with my dad because of how I acted out when we first got together. I kept getting in trouble, getting mad, and trying to kill myself. I wasn't ready to live with them; I was just out of a placement. I was scared to blow it off. I was at home, for the first time after all these years. I had never been in a real home!!! I didn't know how it was going to be... I think that I was digging myself in a hole... My dad was sick, he's sick still, he's had heart attacks, strokes... At that time he was getting better but not really. I was scared to lose him. I was depressed. I thought that if I wasn't with my dad, I wasn't going to be with somebody else; I would fall lost in the system again. So, I tried to kill myself. My dad told me that if I wanted to kill myself, he couldn't go through that. He put me in a hospital. I got really upset and I started assaulting people. After that, they put me into a correctional facility and I went through three correctional facilities. I've been in quite a few places throughout my life... I got therapy, back into a boys' home, and then I came to live with my foster family. I didn't try to kill myself after that. I haven't thought of killing myself for a long time...

Before my dad found me, I felt lost in the system. I tried to kill myself, because there was nobody there. There was really bad stuff in my life, but it wasn't worth dying over that. I realized that there were people who cared about me. I have people in my life.

I got mad at God at a point, but God put me on this earth for some reason: Help other people. I hope my experience can make a difference in someone's life, that's why I signed up to tell my story. I know that I'm doing really well considering what I've been through I could have chosen different paths and I decided to be different. Now, I'm 16 so and I'm doing pretty good. I like living with my foster family; they are nice. I don't have a job or anything, I'm planning on getting a job. But there is a lot of stuff that I like, video games, playing outside, and stuff.

I don't really know how I made it through. I just kept on. Since my mom didn't want to be there for me, I thought I might as well be on my own; even going back and forth I made it through... When I was old enough I thought that if was still in the system when I was older, I'd change my life on my own. It was more me for myself; like inner strength. My dad went with me through most of it and a couple therapists helped me.

Now, I'm doing much better. I don't wanna end my life, I have so much going for me now!!, I'm doing so well! My therapy is working out, my dad is back into my life, he supports me, and I feel that I can think of the future.

In the future, I hope to keep my dad as part of my life. I can be a therapist or something... I always wanted to help people that go through the things I've been through. I guess I just want to be there, because many times there was nobody there for me... I know I will be better than my mom. I'm going to be very different because I'm choosing a different path.