Growing Up Fast
I really didn't have much of a normal childhood. The thing I remember most is probably the violence. My dad drank a lot. I mostly remember my parents fighting and my dad beating up my mom. I can't think of as many things that were good. I lived several different places when I was a kid. For a while, we lived in the country, then we moved back into town. I had some good friends when we lived in town. I went to a lot of different schools, but I used to like school when I was younger. That's when I first started writing. I was always an outgoing person and got along with everybody. I don't go to school anymore though. I wasn't comfortable at the high school I was going to and I just didn't have any motivation to go to school anymore. Now I just work, but I plan to get my get my GED, then get CNA and LPN training, maybe even get my RN later and move in that direction. I like helping people. I like to talk to people and try to help them. I'd like to work with foster kids and young girls especially. I've been pregnant and had an abortion and I've been raped. So, there are a lot of things I want to help people with because I think it's easier to help people through something when you can relate to it. I want to do some things with that, even if I don't get paid for it.
When I was a younger kid, my mom didn't do any drugs, but my dad drank and would get really violent. My dad has also used drugs. As I got older, my dad would beat my mom really bad and she would just take a whole bottle of pain pills. After that, she moved on to meth. When we moved back into town, she was using. My parents had split up at that point.
The only things I've ever done was drink and smoke weed. Anything I ever did, I told my mom about though and anytime I did that stuff, it was usually at my mom's house. It was safer that way. My mom was using drugs and making drugs and selling drugs. When you live in the hood, it's like the thing to sell drugs. It's a lifestyle. My mom doing drugs never affected how she loved us or what she got for us. I think the thing the drugs affected was that we had to go into foster care. My dad though, he didn't really care.
Foster care was a bad situation because we were separated. My little sister and I stayed together, but I was apart from my brothers and my mom. It was hard to feel comfortable in the foster homes and I would get in trouble a lot. They had a lot of rules that I wasn't used to. My mom eventually got clean though and she got us back.
I first smoked weed when I was in fourth grade. I was hanging out with an older girl and she had weed at her house. I wasn't smoking all the time though. I didn't smoke weed in 5th or 6th grade, but when 7th grade came around, I smoked weed all the time. I drank, smoked weed, and just kicked it. That's what I did all the time. I stopped smoking weed in December of 06. I just stopped smoking weed and drinking. I don't know what made me stop, but right after that is when I found out I was pregnant. At first I was wanted to keep my baby. It was a complicated situation and I wound up getting an abortion. That was really hard.
When I smoked weed, I hated it. I didn't like the way I looked when I was high and it made me paranoid. When I was high it just made me want to eat and go to bed. I think I did it because it was something to do. I loved to drink though. It just kept me going. It was fun. I didn't drink that much though. There were times that I drank way too much though. I would do that to try to fit in. I got so drunk one time that I couldn't move and I passed out. When I was passed out, a boy tried to mess with me. Luckily, my mom found me and made everybody leave.
My dad always drank as long as I can remember. My mom started using when I was about seven or eight. She was taking pain pills when I was five or six. She had used drugs before I was born too, but she stopped when we were little. I think my parents used because it was an outlet. I think the drugs took the pain away. My dad's whole life has been messed up, but he's not really helping it though.
The negative consequences of the drug use in the family was that it was less of a family. You know, at twelve years old, you're not really supposed to be drinking and partying. So now, at sixteen, when people are trying that stuff, I'm like, I've already been there. I had to grow up really fast. Even though there were a lot of negative things that happened in my life, I think it turned out more positive. I know a lot of people, their parents are drug addicts, their dad beats their mom, and they turn out just the same. They go down another wrong path, but I don't want to be like that. A lot of people feel sorry for themselves, but I wouldn't take anything back because it made me who I am. It made me a stronger person. I try to be a positive about things.
My mom quit using because she was going to lose all she really had, which was her kids. She had the help; she had people telling her that she could. Being around more addicts brings you down, or people who are negative. None of us kids ever blamed her. We told her she could do it.
My dad was always violent when he was drunk or high. It was mainly toward my mom, but he was always aggressive. I never talked to my mom or dad about their drug use. I didn't really talk to my dad about anything, and with my mom, it just didn't really seem necessary. She knew what she was doing. I didn't really want to talk about it. I would sometimes write poems about it and let her read them.
I think it depends on the person whether or not they have a drug problem. It depends on what it does to them. I know people who drink or smoke weed, and they're not addicts, but some people are. I think it also depends on what the drug is. A person has a problem when they can't function in the real world. When you're an addict, it's like you're living in a fantasy world. It's not the real world.
The biggest misconception about people with drug problems is that it's their choice, that they can control it. When you're an addict, it's something you have to have. It's different than doing a little bit and then being able to stop later. People say, if you really loved you're kids, if you really loved your husband, or your house, you could stop, but it's not that easy. It takes help and it takes time.
What I learned from dealers is that dealers have big mindsets - you make a lot of money selling drugs, but life's not about money. There are other ways to make money. It may take more work or more time, but you can have a good life without as much money. Once you're a dope dealer and you've had so much of it, you don't think you can. I know that about my mom. It's hard because once you've had that money, after you've been homeless and you haven't had anything, and no one to look out for you, it's hard to give up that money. That money keeps you going. You have to get it in your mind that you can live without money. It may be harder, but money will not make you happy. About being an addict, I don't think I've ever met an addict who did not feel sorry for themselves and use drugs as an outlet, to get away, to feel better, to give up. You've got to find help. There is always something more; there can always be something more. Somehow, some way there's always something, but you've got to look at everything positive. Other people may believe in you, but until you truly believe in yourself, it's not going to happen.