When I was growing up, it sucked... My dad was an alcoholic, he smoked pot, and he'd beat us. I lived in a big city. My neighborhood wasn't a really good place for children, there were drug addicts living across the street. Police were always down there.

I have an older brother and older sister. My dad was abusive to the whole family. He'd yell and hit you when he was drunk. He hit my head through the wall once. It was scary painful. My parents used to have big fights. He cheated on my mom. One night my mom was trying to protect my brother and my dad cracked her ribs. That scared me a lot. I wished my mom called the police but she didn't.

My dad died with pneumonia when I was seven. I didn't understand his death, but I was mad at him for leaving without apologizing. I never told my mother, but she knew somehow. She always said: "I know you are upset and you're not happy with your dad, but you need to forgive him". My mom was very religious. I was also mad at my dad because I thought he'd killed my dog. One day he slammed a bottle against my sister's head, the dog was trying to cheer her up, so he kicked the dog in the diaphragm. It died three months after my dad. My cat died too. It was harder on me when my cat died than when my dad died.

After my dad died, we moved to another town and my mom had to take care of us. My brother was angry all the time. He got in trouble. I was pretty good in school when my dad was alive. When he died, I was free from his control; I wasn't afraid. Everything went downhill for me: my grades kept falling; I was really outspoken; and didn't like control. I had problems at school, didn't do homework, got detentions. This caused problems with mom; she was always stressed out trying to find a new job, and things at home. But she was never abusive.

My mom smoked a lot because she was stressed out. It was an addiction. When she was smoking, she only thought of the cigarette. It helped her to forget reality. Her sickness came soon after. She quit when she found out she had emphysema. She was on oxygen; half of her lung was taken out; she had scars from it; she was very skinny and weak.

I was angry and didn't know how to channel it properly. I was abusive to my mom. I broke her statue of Mary and threatened her with a butter knife when I was 8. We didn't seek help. When I was 10, my mom's ribs broke completely. She pulled some ligaments. I helped her to the car and back home. I stayed by her side, helping her. My aunt called the police. We were picked up. She said that I was punching my mom and broke her ribs. I was put in foster care for the first time. I was really upset.

My first placement was very good. It was a big family, we did stuff together. I liked it there but I screwed up. I had sex with a foster brother. That was a mistake. I got moved and didn't like the new place. I tried to run away. I went back to live with my mom when I was 13. I got in trouble again. I just didn't care anymore; my grades went down; I was on truancy. I lived with her for two years. I was put into foster care again. It was my fault; I wasn't doing anything to help her around the house. That day I went to the doctor and refused to go to school. She said OK, but she called SRS. She told me she loved me and she wanted me to do better. I guess that's the reason why she called. They took me. I threatened to kill myself with a knife against my stomach. I didn't do it and the police walked me to the car. It was painful. I got to see my mom every weekend; that was good. I ran away twice from my foster home. I don't feel fine where I live now. But things are getting better.

My mom passed away some months ago with emphysema and the flu. That was so really hard on me. When I first heard the news I was so shocked I couldn't cry. I'm still dealing with that. I saw her two weeks before she died. I got to go to her funeral; I carried the casket; I cried a lot. I felt sad and guilty. I put her through so much stress. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. There was no point in her trying to tell me what to do because I wouldn't do it. So I felt really guilty about that. It's difficult to know that I can't go back to her.

I started smoking when I was 8 because I wanted to be exactly like my mom. I stopped smoking when I was in foster care. I started again when I was back with her. I got the cigarettes from friends or my mom. I needed more nicotine so I smoked more (1 or 1 1/2 pack a day since I was 13). I was addicted and I didn't wanna quit. I should have quit smoking when my mom got sick but I wanted to ignore it. My mom's death gave me the strength to quit. I stopped smoking then. I first smoked marijuana when I was 15. My sister got it. I was rolling on the floor laughing; I was so happy; so high. I did it twice. I liked marijuana but I wouldn't go back because being high can get you in trouble, out of school, the cops would come, dealers would start you dealing because you wouldn't have enough money to pay them. I had alcohol twice; when I was 13 and 15. I didn't really like how I felt. I also popped one pill when I was 15. It was a muscle relaxer with cocaine in it. It wasn't a good experience. I haven't done it again. It was a desperate time, back to foster care. All this taught me that if you continuously give in to peer pressure, you have no help for getting out. Like my sister introduced me to weed; I wanted to make her happy and knowing that's wrong, I was torn. I don't do drugs at all now.

In the future, I plan to go to college: forensics or zoology. I love animals, biology. I'm taking Advanced Biology now. I like NCIS, forensics are cool. I'll be in foster care until I'm 18, they'll probably pay for college. If they don't, I'll have to get a loan and pay for it. I can get a part time job. I'll start working after I get out of curfew. I want to be a CNA.

Something positive that I learned from this is that anger doesn't get the best of us, but if we're willing to say sorry and own up to it, good things will happen. I also know how to comfort someone; I know what to look for; I can tell when someone is abused, down or sad. When I was little, I didn't like people who drank, but I was living with one. I just had to obey and keep my head down, trying to get along without getting hurt. Alcohol and drugs can become a problem anytime. Cigarettes are cancer sticks. A big misconception about people with an addiction is that they are blamed for their problems. People only see the person doing drugs and getting into trouble. There's a person involved, there's more to it. People with an addiction need to get help as soon as they can; it's going to ruin their lives and the people they care about.

I don't know how I made it through, by God's grace. I just had to take one step at the time. My mom was always there for me. She played a big role. I could talk to her about everything. I knew I'd go back to her. Now, I count on my best friend and some other friends who can help me.